How is it that emotions can fluctuate so fast? 
I guess I'm right in that I have to earn that. because right now it feels a lot more one sided.
Just because someone has a bad day doesn't mean that it's alright to do as he pleases and get away with it, right?
This pity card ain't it.
Just because someone is lonely, doesn't mean someone else isn't feeling the same way.
But someone else has to be strong, right?

Sometimes I wish I weren't so good natured, maybe. and actually, I do think that I have become more demanding and less giving as I grew up.
That makes me want to speak my mind more, to hold discussions. But then it gets interpreted as being confrontational, and we're all upset.

Doesn't help that snide things get slipped in some of the time.
Maybe, I can't joke around about hate.
Maybe, I can't use words like idiot in good jest.
Oh, and I definitely listen to trash.
I get it, many things I don't know.
But yet being told off like that makes me feel like a small kid all over again. To be sent to the corner in shame. 
I try to take it in good stride. But it adds up.

There's only so much I can give. and give. and give.

And yet, it's all made up for in everything else.
Being there every morning, or night. or at least trying to be. long goodbyes.  
and being up to match singapore clock somewhat.
silly conversations and faces, morse coding, photologs, fallen maple leaf.
watching random shit, being singaporean/azn, nagging.
and so much more.
knowing that you're thinking of me makes me happy.
the happy times merge and don't seem as long as the horrible shit.but it's so much more. 

That's what keeps me strong.  
I feel as if i'm not articulating myself, so not eloquent in expressing myself right now.
but maybe short sentences and single words do it best.
So what I'm really hoping is that this balance keeps us strong as well. 

And as we fly around the sun
We know we're not the only ones
Love for the lonely
It's been a long time coming
Can you hear that hopeful heart?

Night settles, still working on a way to breathe
Don't you go, don't you go down
Take a helium taxi home to me

moonlight tagteam

Wonder what happened to my photo a day resolution.

I find myself missing so much;

Wonder how that happened.... haha. 

I started this wanting to put down quite a bit, then I realised I'm still quite a private person afterall.

Aiya anyway, enough of being serious and vague.

Wow I haven't penned out an entry for so long that the entire entry format in xanga has changed.

Ah wells. Maybe it's got to do with me not being so comfortable with penning all my thoughts out on this infinite space where n number of people with n number of clicks could possibly know how I feel at a certain point in time. 

And also because a certain someone told me once before that if something is worth remembering, we will remember it for life regardless of whether we have photographed it or written it down. And I kind of really agree.

It's just that in this age of propaganda and gadgetry, and the increasing narcissism of our generation, we feel compelled to share every aspect of our life with the world. 

I have fallen in and out of that pattern, and now i'm succumbing again. Maybe I will resolve to put up a picture a day once my camera gets back to me.

This week has been somewhat interesting. I spent monday with someone who kinds of only remembers to speak to me when he's high. Not that it's bad company, really. Considering the very few occasions we actually speak.

Tuesday gave me a glimpse into the adult world, our projected future of about a decade ( in which I hope to be happily married though the chances of that seem slim now). It gave me an idea of how much I will change once I graduate, and also of how different their culture and ours is. Maybe ours will change with time to come, but as of now, small gatherings, surface chit-chat, discussions that guise this networking and attempt to stay in touch; these things seem distant and not something I would do. The pressure of being someone knowledgeable, interesting, essentially not being who you really are, is probably immense since first impressions are essential. It's not that I don't have a passion of my field, but I appreciate having the ability to switch it off. 

I feel as if architects are deliberately distancing themselves, with a false idea of elitism that comes with the traits of what an architect is. The eccentricity, the little quirks, the meticulousness and possible ocd, everything that could make them exciting people, interesting people, and yet, the preference is still to keep to that little group. What would I know anyway, I'm too young, I don't want to dive right into making work my life (though it possibly already is since all I do is sleep and work. work and sleep. work makes me tired. so i sleep. but i don't get enough sleep. so i go to work tired. which makes me more tired. vicious cycle that) just yet.

Wednesday saw one of my closest friends turning 21. Happy Birthday AGAIN Sheralyn see you later! Drinking 2 nights in a row really isn't for me, considering how long alcohol takes to kick in for me, especially hard liquor. But it's really been a while since the girls are almost full force when we go out at night and that was nice. And I can see how symbolic this number is in her growing up and resolve. Kudos ahlyn, if need be, we are always just that road away(:

By thursday I was so tired all I wanted to do is sleep. Work became dreary, I felt like it was all just becoming tedious. I honestly, honestly can't see myself doing this for the rest of my life. Before I started out in school, I had all these dreams about design in general, design like interior design, graphic design etc. In fact, I actually still had delusions about that doing my panels. But I've come to realise now that what I really would like to do is a house. Maybe because I'm not the one actually doing one, but it seems as though my sense of aesthetic (hopefully I actually do have one) would be better applied there. I'm not saying this because I'm stuck designing cabinets and kitchens, but I feel quite tied down. Maybe it's because I don't actually know in what direction I'm supposed to go which is why it's frustrating. I want to do something like WOW but there's the limitations of material and carpentry and all else that matters. 

Yesterday was honestly surreal. It started with stalker talk with bolding and underlining which I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to do. And was lazy to google (it's really an amazing tool isn't it). Then I got an education on the power of girls and their advertising prowess. And then I got shown a series of AMAZING AMAZING scenes. Like,

how I want to go there NOW. I wouldn't even mind going there myself because the feeing of just being that one insignificant soul in this infinite expanse of space is just so mind engulfing that your mind blanks out with awesomeness and just wants to explode. I know that this is a weird analogy/description but that's how it really feels. Like just you against the world. 

Then I got shown fireworks. Self set off. Against the sea. And I could only gape. It was a poorly taken video, but that just made it feel real. And the music. I was so at peace last night. I fell asleep and didn't even know. Needless to say that when I was woken up at 4am, my neurons weren't firing so nothing made sense so I basically rambled incoherence into the phone. If someone tells me nevermind when i'm in a barely conscious stage, I take it for how it is. So I'm sorry if I'm a bad friend lousy friend selfish friend, you just have to wake me up first. 

Being told 'miss you much' today also really made my afternoon. As did a strangely insulting yet nice text this morning. I feel that my world is comfortable. Like the soft toy that conforms to your body when you hug it to sleep. It's actually quite strange, feeling like that. Usually I just don't think at all. Nahhh I'm just kidding usually there're other less deep stuff on my mind haha.

Okay till i get my camera back! and my....phone. actually being able to just text and message is strangely nice too. Guess I'm just not that twitter fb whatever kidna person. bye!